Eat, Save, and Be Healthy

Remember when you were dating how you looked forward to spending time together, you did special things for one another without being asked or expecting anything in return and shared the good and bad things in your life. If a marital relationship is not built upon a solid foundation of friendship, it may become more difficult for partners to stay connected over time or to become less polite and respectful to each other as time passes because they feel more comfortable with each other. However, spouses who remain good friends throughout life usually find much more enjoyment and satisfaction in their relationship.
Here’s a list of several things that might help to keep your friendship alive, read through and see what you already do and what you might try?
• Talk – really about each other for 15-20 minutes every day.
• Hold hands, open doors for each other, be respectful to each other.
• Go for walks- the weather is getting nicer, turn off the TV and get outside.
• Dance- what’s your favorite music? Your spouse?
• Play games- card games, board games- a great way for family time in the evening.
• Work on a mutual project together.
• Plan little surprises for each other.
• Laugh together.
• Compliment each other often- look for the good things.
• Leave unexpected notes of praise.
• Develop signals that say “I love you.”
• Say “thank you” for little kindnesses.
• Talk about your dreams.
• Say “I love you.”
• Remember birthdays and anniversaries.
• Have a candlelight dinner.

When I treat my spouse like my best friend, many of these actions come naturally. Daily acts of kindness can promote the growth of romance in the marriage. When many people think about romance, they envision going away for a weekend to celebrate their anniversary or receiving a dozen roses. Most of us would think that’s romantic but researcher, John Gottman has found that true romance is best preserved when partners frequently respect and care for each other in ordinary ways. Little things like preparing a favorite meal or sending an unexpected note or even helping with the projects at hand have shown to have a dramatic impact upon the quality of one’s marriage.

Research has shown that the amount of fun time spouses spend together is a major factor in the happiness of their marriage. Sharing enjoyable times prevents people from getting bored with their relationships and helps rejuvenate them when they are very busy and preoccupied with other cares and concerns. That means that we really have to plan to make time for our marriage, it can’t just be the “leftover” time at the end of the day or weekend if we expect to really have a strong marriage. It does not matter what the activity is, as long as it allows both partners to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

This fall, there will be many people who will celebrate the year of “firsts”.  First child off to pre-school or kindergarten, first child on a sports team or band, first or last child off to college, first marriage, first grandchild and the list could go on.  You can fill in the blank with whatever new milestone is in your life right now.  As we navigate these milestones in life, it seems that it may also be time to re evaluate our personal relationships with our spouse.

I was called this week for a phone interview about marriage challenges that couples face through the seasons of life.  In doing some research, I found this from the University of Missouri that I could personally relate to and thought you might also, on ways to strengthen marriage.

• Remain good friends-be polite and respectful to each other.  Gain enjoyment and satisfaction from the friendship you’ve built.
• Partners in a growing relationship are committed to a strong marriage and will work through the problems to build a stronger marriage in the process.  It’s  not always easy and fun, but knowing you can count on your spouse, helps to ease the challenge.
• Perform daily acts of kindness- a simple way to express fondness and concern for each other is to lend a helping hand without being asked.  This sends out messages of love and concern.
• Share enjoyable times, go on a date and have fun together! Or write a love note or e-mail to let them know you are thinking of them throughout the day.
• It is essential to make your marriage a priority, to take time to enjoy each other—research has shown that the amount of fun time spouses spend together is a major factor in the happiness of their marriage.
• Create family traditions, they help to figure out what is important to you and they give meaning and predictability to marriages and families.  Traditions enable us to reaffirm our love and devotion to one another. 
• Each of us continue to grow as individuals so that we may grow together.  We are not the same people we were 20 years ago.  Taking care of ourselves and doing things we enjoy help us to improve the relationship.

Marriage is a challenging relationship that has many seasons.  It requires hard work for each of us and when we combine that with determination and discipline,  it has the potential to be very rewarding and satisfying.  If we seek to have a positive attitude, be empathetic and committed in our purpose and combine that with a lot of love and respect then more than likely we can have a fulfilling marriage.  Having our spouse as our friend throughout the history of our life allows us to enjoy the friendship,the  fun and traditions that have given us the joy of a  strong marriage and that’s definitely worth the effort!!

Author: Melinda Hill, CFCS, CFLE

We all know that the economic times are tough: stocks are down, unemployment is up.  While the economy certainly affects our wallet, it can also affect our family.  Did you know that money worries are the # 1 cause of couple disputes?  In a recent study Authors, Papp, Cumings and Goeke-Morey, in the February 2009 edition of Family Relations found that often couples did not rank money as #1 when asked to rank what they thought were the biggest causes of conflict.  However, when they were observed working through different conflicts, money was often more emotional, tended to last longer, and were more likely to remain unresolved than conflicts not related to finances.

As couples navigate these tricky issues, and perhaps find an even greater need to deal with them in these tough times, it is important to be aware of the emotion and tension that is often involved.  Here are a few tips for these tough discussions:

• Don’t place blame, rather focus on how to resolve and work through the problem
• Be patient with your partner…and with yourself
• Take a break if you need to cool off- go for a walk or separate for a little while to calm down.  But come back to resolve the issue.  Don’t let the issue stay unresolved.
• Don’t bring up past issues—this is not productive and only serves to hurt the current discussion.
• Often, in the case of money, a budget or action plan is always good to have- to refer to when discussing money issues.  Try to make this budget or plan together, with both sides inputting.
• Involve the whole family in financial planning.  This can help children and teens begin to learn to manage money
• Try to think of things to do with your kids that do not involve money such as:
  • Family Mealtimes together
  • Picnic in the Park
  • Having a game night
  • Doing volunteer work together

Resolving money issues is never easy. But if you are able to work through these hard issues with patience and compassion, your relationship may end up stronger in the end!